I could make a career out of planning and time management.

Really.

Sad, but true.

You can weep with me as I confess to time and money spent with DayTimer, Franklin Covey, Getting Things Done, Achieve, Basecamp, Outlook, Google tasks and calendars, Zen to Done and Todoodlist. (And, that’s just a few of the time management tools I have toyed with).

I’ve read time management books, ebooks and blogs by Mark Forster, Dave Navarro, Eben Pagan and others, always searching for a better way to self organise, make better use of time and be more productive.

Every time management system has merits. Every expert has sound advice. Make no mistake, these are all good guys who know their stuff, the weak link in the chain is me.

Late last year I came across some deceptively simple paper planners produced by a really nice guy – Charlie Gilkey. I downloaded the freebies, printed off the instructions to read in bed and have to tell you that I promptly forgot about them.

Now, this is no reflection on Charlie, I bare my soul in this way simply to paint an accurate picture.

I am suffused with good intentions and blessed with an abundance of good ideas. The former has truly taken me to time management hell, as the old adage promises. The latter has simply put me in a state of overwhelm induced stasis.

New Year came along with the reality to be faced that there would be significant changes in my life occurring within months. These changes had been on the horizon for two, almost three years and could no longer be ignored. I had to also face facts – part and parcel of having my life turned upside down was the need to get a grip, to begin to self manage rather than drift.

Something had to be done – about me.

Shortly after I faced some harsh and unpalatable truths about myself Charlie announced he was making his planners available in a premium pack. That caught my attention.

Nothing like a bright shiny new thing to distract one’s self from her woes.

There is actually no difference between the free and the paid versions of the planners except that in return for what is nothing more than a micro payment the paid planner sets provide everything you need for the whole year whereas the free versions are issued monthly.

If, like me, you feel the need to plan more than one month ahead the paid versions make sense.

Charlie has two versions of his (free and paid) planners, one is specifically designed for freelancers (like me) and I want to tell you that using them has been nothing short of transformational.  They have wrought changes in me and my way of working that I wouldn’t have thought possible just three short months ago. But, I am getting ahead of myself.

Over the Easter weekend I sat down to review Q1 of this year before assessing the feasibility of the plan for Q2. I really didn’t want to do this. It’s bad enough when other people disappoint you but to disappoint yourself is soul destroying.

I have my plan for the year broken down into quarterly plans and from those I plan each month and day. (Yes, it was hard for me to settle on the yearly plan, and I only completed it in pencil as I knew there would be changes, but now it is done it is so easy for me to know what I need to do next. The previous sense of overwhelm caused by too much choice has gone away.)

Now, such is the nature of the beast that is my untamed mind, I cannot micromanage and plan on a daily basis. To do that causes revolt and rebellion. A petulant ‘Shan’t and Won’t’ puts a stop to any attempt I make to control the independent spirit that resides within. But, that’s OK. The planners allow me to distil down a realistic and limited list of options for the week from which I can choose. Suddenly I have a balance between my need to get things done and my need for freedom and choice. Good time management (actually self management) has been achieved. A result!

I circled my planning sheets for a whole weekend before I knuckled under and did my review. I moved them to the kitchen table so they couldn’t be ignored and the cat took my side and instantly commandeered them as a makeshift bed. In the end, the pain of not looking became greater than the fear of what I might find. I sat down to review progress.

Suffice to say I have actually done stuff. Things have been completed, jobs done, paperwork filed, invoices issued and money banked. It’s probably been my best quarter for 3 years. I cannot tell you how much of a boost it has given me to see, clearly, what I have actually achieved. Yes, before you ask, there’s stuff that fell through the cracks – there probably always will be with me. I persist in overestimating how much one person can do in a day. But don’t let that detract from what has been done. It’s a quantum improvement and I am so grateful.

Of course, it could be that I am the only ditzy mare around. The only one who struggles so much with making best use of her time, who has struggled with time management. If so, I’m sorry for wasting your time with this stuff.

But, if you have any problems with scheduling, with overcommitting, with an unrealistic to-do list, with an over-optimistic view of what you can achieve in an hour of your time – you might like to take a look at Charlie’s planners. Try the free versions or go mad and splash out on the premium set (they will not break the bank) – I truly believe they have the potential to help you provided of course you don’t just print them off, take them to bed to read and then forget about them.

There is something unpleasant about the word ‘selfish‘. For such a small word it punches well above its weight when it comes to inducing negative feelings – particularly guilt.

And, yet, there are times when being selfish is the best way to help others. You have to put on your own life jacket before you can help others with theirs.

You were brought up to share, to play nice, to put others before yourself. It’s all part of being well mannered and well raised. Some mothers and fathers view the selflessness of their child as a mark of their own success in the domain of parenting.

But, where does this get you?

How many individuals are simply not living the life they came here to live because they cannot put themselves first?

Since when did putting yourself first mean that you have to ride roughshod over everyone else?

How can you make the most of the opportunities presented to you, if you are always putting others first?

Surely being in resentment about lost opportunities is as bad as being declared selfish?

It is incredibly hard to help others when you don’t have everything you need for yourself (need, not want).  It’s only by becoming selfish that you can finally get those needs met. Being selfish in this way doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you cold hearted or hard. It just means you are getting yourself on to a firmer footing in life so you can reach out and help others from a point of security.

You are no use to anyone if you are in the same quagmire as them. You cannot help anyone if you are both falling into the same abyss, you can only sink with them. Whilst that may be noble, some may even say heroic, it really doesn’t help anyone.

Before you can become healthily selfish you will almost certainly have to re-wire your brain. Years of conditioning around the negative connotations of being selfish will need to be shelved and reprogrammed. Being selfish in a healthy way does not make you arrogant, insensitive or egocentric. Give yourself some new connotations. Being selfish is healthy, it allows you to be more generous to others and to support them from a position of strength and stability.

Being totally unselfish, giving until you have nothing left to give, turns you into a resentful doormat.

I am talking to the people pleasers. Those who always say yes because they long ago had the ability to say no knocked out of them. Whether the pleasing developed as a safety mechanism to protect you from an abusive parent, relative or sibling or as manipulative ploy on your part doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that the racket you are running is recognised for what it is. There is no point in being everybody’s go-to-gal or guy if, having smiled sweetly as yet another dumpster is unloaded on you, you then burn with resentment. That kind of resentment is more damaging than any shame or guilt you may feel for saying no.

I’m talking to you – and to myself and I have a proposal to make.

This is the week when we can say no, just because we need the practice. We don’t need to justify the no. We don’t have to give a reason. We don’t have to apologise. We are going to the selfish gym to build up the muscles that will ultimately put us into a better place to help others. A more authentic place.

We are going to take better care of ourselves. In fact we are going to look after ourselves in the way we take care of others. I’m not suggesting that anyone stops caring for others – just put yourself in the same team. You’ll notice that you can actually take better care of your family once your own needs have been met. It’s almost miraculous.

This won’t be easy for some. I know. I empathise. I understand. But, from where I am sitting it seems to me that it will be a whole lot healthier than being selfless.

There’s more to Third Tribe Marketing than Marketing!

For those of you who already work from home, alone for large parts of the day, you’ll perhaps understand when I say I miss the workplace for the camaraderie. No water cooler to drop by and no coffee machine around which to congregate.

I have been a member of a number of various communities – and enjoyed them – but always ended up withdrawing as the time drain of keeping up with forum posts and generally participating was just too huge compared with the benefit I and my business obtained. (Just to be clear, these communities have all been great places to hang out. I don’t have  a bad word to say about any of them. I accept that the problem lies in my poor self management skills. )

Some six weeks ago I received an email newsletter from Chris Brogan announcing the launch of Third Tribe Marketing.

Being attracted to bright, shiny new things and a mistress of the art of procrastination I of course dropped whatever it was I was doing and shot across.

The sales page for the community is different. It’s not something you are scrolling down through, scanning highlighted headlines and bullet points. It’s in fact a multi page document. I found myself nodding as I read.

There are three main aspects to membership over at Third Tribe Marketing.

First is the education. Each month a new seminar is released (audio so far) complete with transcript and worksheets. This isn’t the same-old-same-old regurgitated and made to look pretty in the Third Tribe way! Good, solid people who walk their talk share insights, information and advice for those who are trying to build an online business.

Second are the regular Q&A sessions. Everyone is invited to submit questions and attend (or listen to the recording of) these Q&A calls. Dates and times vary to accommodate the International member base. The nuggets of information uncovered during these sessions have been really useful and fascinating.

Third is the forum area, and this is where Third Tribe Marketing becomes more than Marketing. Yes it is a forum. Yes I was fearful of losing myself in there (That’s the trouble when you are endlessly curious – or just plain nosy – I love to read what others have written) but I haven’t. The forum controls have made it very simple to navigate to what is relevant and of interest to me without getting bogged down.

To have access to the minds and thoughts of the aforementioned Chris, Brian Clark, Darren Rowse, Sonia Simone and many other names you may recognise, is priceless.

Ask a question in the forum and you will get replies and the collective wisdom of the group is breathtaking. The generosity of spirit and the supportive nature of the members just proves to me that there are many good people out there.

When Third tribe Marketing was launched I had to smile at some of the scathing posts written about the community. Many of these were written by people who weren’t members but who objected violently to the ethos. (I believe everyone is entitled to their opinion – I may not agree with you but I will always defend your right to say what you think). I decided I would wait and see before I stuck my head above the proverbial parapet and offer my own view. Sufficient time has passed for me to remain enthusiastic even though the shiny-thing-euphoria may have evaporated! I remain a huge fan. I don’t think I have yet contributed anything valuable to the community but I have received value, in spades.

If you are looking for a real community you might like to investigate Third Tribe Marketing. Sadly you’ve missed the opening discount offer but the price is still very low when compared to value received. Payments are made via Paypal so you remain in control of your subscription at all times – cancel when you want to, although I suspect you won’t.

You will learn lots about marketing in a way that is authentic. You’ll be helped with ideas, you can ask for feedback and critiques.

If you are already a Third Triber perhaps you’ll add your two cents worth below? If you decide to join I hope you’ll come back and let me know what you think.

Writing practice with morning pages was the bane of my life. I confess this with a heavy heart.

As a writer I have read just about everything published on the art of writing and writing practice, including the many works by Julia Cameron. I have even reviewed The Artist’s Way here. Ms Cameron tells her readers to expect resistance to a.m. pages but to persist. I have persisted but the daily jousting match with Blanche (the recently named inner critic – thanks to Barbara Stanny) brought me no pleasure.

By chance I came across 750words. From memory it was a post over at Lifehacker that pointed me to the site and I am oh so grateful for the introduction.

www.750words.com is very simple to use. There are various log in options via accounts that you will probably already have such as Facebook or Google. When I joined, Facebook was the only option and, at the moment at least, there isn’t a way to change your log in without setting up a new account. I admit to being slightly twitchy that my outpourings on my electronic pages could somehow find themselves on my Facebook wall. I have no trust in technology! If you share my feelings about Facebook you might want to use one of the other log in options to create your account.

www.750words.com is free to use although Buster, the founder, has just introduced a patron scheme whereby users can make micro donations to support the running of the site. As an aside, it has been interesting to observe how Buster has introduced the voluntary contribution – I applaud the Third Tribe way in which has handled the matter.

The text input screen is clean and clear with no visual distractions. You are encouraged to type your writing practice directly on to the screen and not to cut and paste. (It is worth copying and pasting your completed work, I think, at least until you can be sure the autosave has worked).

Points are awarded each day based on how many words you write and whether you allowed yourself to be distracted.

Each month there is a challenge. It has been a real surprise to see the rate of attrition from the March challenge. I suddenly felt ‘normal’.

I guess I’m not the only one who struggles with a daily writing practice then :-/

The daily writing practice of Morning pages is simply stream of consciousness writing. Not to be judged. Not even to be read, at least not immediately. There is a function at 750words for your writing to be exported for other uses if you so wish. The words are not to be shared or published (unless you choose) they are a way of exercising those writing muscles.

A newer function recently introduced at 750 words is the metadata. This allows you to track your own keywords which can be useful if you are focused on a particular area of life at the moment.

The statistics are really interesting. All sorts of clever stuff goes on under the hood of the site and the result is a whole load of interesting information about the writer. So far it has been spookily accurate. The statistics, the points and the leader board together with the Wall of Awesomeness and the Wall of Shame inject some fun into what had become, for me at least, a chore.

If you enjoy writing, are a writer or aspire to become one, the facility over at 750words.com really is an excellent way to ensure you practice your writing skills – every day.

It’s been an interesting couple of years – you know, interesting, as in the Chinese Curse.

Mopping up after the death of a business colleague, recovering from ill health, facing the fact that my husband is always going to be a serial philanderer, losing a number of dear relatives (most recently my father-in-law)…I won’t go on, you get the picture.

Of course, there is the good stuff too but isn’t it a disgrace how that sometimes gets overlooked when you choose to live at the damp end of the forest?

I was stopped in my tracks this morning reading an email from a colleague. She commented “you are out of integrity and this is why each new event knocks you for six”.

Being out of integrity? I wasn’t sure what she meant.

Correspondence followed.

According to my colleague, when we are out of integrity we spend too much of our time fixing, propping up and doing the expedient thing rather than the right thing. Builders and architects pay attention to the integrity of a building knowing that by so doing the building will weather any storm.

Integrity in life is about having all the pieces interlock into a system: Our roles, our relationships, our values, our boundaries, our health, our finances, our spiritual life.

Without integrity life is a constant struggle.

Without integrity we have one hand propping up one aspect of life whilst we are trying to live another. We find ourselves constantly reacting in a knee jerk manner rather than meeting life’s trials and tribulations with strength.

When we are in integrity we are able to respond rather than react, we are clear in our decision making processes because we know who we are and what we want. In integrity we are whole and strong, we take responsibility for our actions, we learn life lessons, we take care of our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. We are strong and as a result fewer life events are seen as problems.

Being in integrity is surely a personal thing with each of us having different definitions of what it means to us. It’s not about comparing ourselves to others or taking the moral high ground – we must each define and live our personal integrity.

That was the gist of the correspondence!

For me, I have to acknowledge my colleague is right. Propping up has become a way of life. Reacting to events and people, relying on a spurt of adrenaline to get through the day. Having recognised what has been going on, how to put things right?

I feel like an old building that needs underpinning! A self survey has revealed the cracks. The foundations have crumbled. Without strong foundations eventual collapse is inevitable.

The first repair is to allow myself to be who I am. Years spent pleasing others, forcing the square peg into the round hole, have left some confusion. Personas assumed either to please or to cover up feelings of inadequacy need to be discarded. I am what I am (who sang that?) and if it isn’t enough for the people in my life then they are not the people I should be with. This does of course beg the question ‘Who am I?’. She’s going to take some excavation having been buried under the detritus accumulated over years.

How’s your integrity? Has the way you have been living your life loosened your foundations? Do you find the storms of life cause structural damage? What can you do to strengthen your integrity and stop the struggle?

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This merry band only need another $100 and they are fully funded. Can anyone help?

Posted via web from Donetta’s posterous

The title in itself is untrue. Writing is what I do,  so to declare myself too busy is a nonsense.

What is becoming noticeable to the extent that even I (with head firmly facing in the opposite direction) can no longer ignore it, is that I am not writing.

At least not for myself.

Attending to work for clients doesn’t count.

(working class roots leave me with a deeply held work ethic, which I don’t want but which I have been unable thus far to shake off)

Reading is not a problem. Indeed, for the time being at least, reading seems to assuage my longing for words but I know it’s a cop out.

I know this busy-ness with other activities is an attempt by a part of me to conceal the facts of what is going on. Self protection or preservation perhaps.

What I don’t understand is why I will not give myself permission to do what I most love doing? Is this a form of self inflicted punishment for some real or perceived wrong doing? Is it driven by fear? Is it normal?

The thoughts have set me on the trail of other writers, lurking around their blogs and books, hoping for a glimpse into their deep, dark secret lives.

Some make no mention of writing being a struggle but others, and oh how joyful is the validation they offer, do.

How can a mind be full of words one moment but entirely empty when presented with a blank screen or sheet of paper?

How can someone who is not known for using one word when she can use ten, be short of something to write?

I’ve followed the advice. I have sat here and ’shown up’ every day. I have tried first thing in the morning and last thing at night – and most times in between.

In the past I have held brutal assessments of those who blog about their crises but now I can appreciate the need to come clean. It’s the proverbial discussion regarding that dead possum which lies under the table.

Perhaps it is my own previously held, less than flattering, judgements about others which are now coming back to haunt me. Oh how superior I felt when the words were flowing. I would have been horrified to face such an accusation at the time, but looking back I can see that was my story.

They say we despise in others that which we most despise in ourselves. (I’m sure I have paraphrased someone’s deeply significant words of wisdom in an inappropriate manner there – my apologies) Has the day finally arrived when the despicability (if I may use the term) of my own nature can no longer be denied?

Taking a long hard look at the way I have been showing up is not nice. It makes me squirm. Holding up that mirror I have to face the fact that I am very good at espousing values which I then don’t live. Paying lip service only leaves one with the morning breath equivalent of being out of integrity. It’s unpleasant and embarrassing and certainly not something I want to inflict on anyone else.

Don’t misunderstand. There has been no intention to deceive. I have believed that over the years I have changed; developed myself, grown in tolerance, appreciated new ways of thinking and being. I have read the books, attended the courses, taken notes and tried to apply what I have learned.

The reality is that whilst I am now left with a cerebral understanding of the things I want to embrace in life – they have not become new ways of being.

Writing is such a revealing past-time. Whether we want to or not writers reveal something of themselves in everything they create through the medium of the written word. Who would want to reveal that they are struggling because they are out of integrity? It’s not a nice admission to make. I can feel another squirm coming on as I type that.

So, if there has been any clarification of thought here, it seems that I can no longer maintain the facade I have been presenting and this is what is causing the block. Either I start walking the talk or I stop talking the talk and walk the old path worn through living  old habitual patterns.

I am fearful of the first and sick of the second – but, something has to give.

I have previously mentioned theEben Pagan program Wake Up Productive and one of the key principles taught is clear focus – simply put, this is do one thing at a time.

Yesterday, my dear friend Ron Rink over at Buddhist Belief made one of his excellent thought provoking posts on….doing one thing at a time.

Then I came across a recent post from another favourite writer Leo Babauta at Zen Habits which is….you guessed it….all about doing one thing at a time.

Having prided myself on my multi-tasking abilities (the use of the word ‘pride’ is a bit of a give away) I have rather poo-poohed the growing movement which has advocated focus but the time has come to acknowledge that it works!

I have spent nearly a whole day bringing this site up to date. Doing all of the little hum-drum tasks that need doing, tidying posts, updating links, writing new articles and every cell of my body has rebelled wanting to check email, participate on Twitter, make phone calls, attend to chores and do anything else that caught my eye whilst at the same time trying to do what needed to be done. That was my usual modus operandi, to be sure, and as a result I tended to finish each day with a task list of half done jobs which all had to roll forward to another time.

Today, as a result of letting my pride go and recognising that multi-tasking is not a sign of strength or efficiency, or whatever other label I had applied to it at some subconscious level, I have done one thing at a time and as a result have completed that job. I also feel less frazzled and have energy left to enjoy the evening.

OK, you may roll your eyes, unimpressed. You may have a voice saying ’so what’. You may be thinking all sorts of things but until you try this for yourself you will not appreciate how liberating such a simple thing can be.

Will you try it and let me know how you get on?

….don’t lose sight of what you already have!

My housemate is a large, aged, tabby cat called Mr Trouble. He came with that name as a rescue from the RSPCA in 1998.

It has taken Mr Trouble almost 10 years to settle, to trust and to reach out for affection. Prior to where we are today, he was fratchy, snarly, very independent and aloof.

Mr Trouble is a hunter and I know that when he sleeps he dreams of rabbits, mice and starlings even though he has a bowl of fresh chicken or salmon waiting for him when he awakes.

Despite always having access to the very best of food he puts himself in impossible situations, driven by his hunting instinct. Example? This morning.

Some house-martins are fixing up a nest which was built under the eaves of the house last year. All day long they fly backwards and forwards, calling to each other and entertaining spectators with their daring dives and love of life. Mr Trouble is determined to spoil the party. He has no appreciation for the beauty and elegance of the house-martins, all he can see is dinner. He prowls from one room to the next desperate to find an open first floor window to give him better access to the roof. But, it is far too cold to have windows open anything other than the smallest crack.

It has gotten to the point of madness this morning. His food lies untouched as he obsesses over his vision – house-martin supper.

It’s an interesting metaphor for my own life I think. Certainly in the last year I have fretted over a particular situation to the point of obsession. I’ve had a vision, hope or dream which has consumed me. Worse still, this vision was not (I see now) the best thing for me.

In my single minded pursuit of my own ‘house-martin’ I have lost sight of everything else I value and love. Friends have been abandoned, domestic routines have been attended to in a spasmodic fashion, work has suffered more than I dare to face right now.

As we start the new year I have read so much about goals, visions, dreams, aspirations and I appreciate the necessity of these but I also want to temper them with a reminder to not lose sight of what you already have and are – ‘cos that’s still important.

Having expectations of others is a dangerous pursuit. One that is almost certainly going to lead to disappointment at best, and resentment at worst.

If you think about it, expectations are so one sided. I expect you to do something or behave in a certain manner but at no stage have you agreed to do that thing. You may even be blissfully unaware that I have such an expectation of you.

When you fail to deliver on MY expectation I am disappointed, hurt and resentful!!! YOU didn’t stand a chance.

Relationships are tricky business at the best of times, but when one party has expectations of another the whole relationship challenge steps up to another level.

Instead of having expectations try making requests. Ask for what you want rather than just expecting it to happen by some miracle of ESP on your partner’s part. Of course, all good requests make a decline possible. If you couch your request in such a way that your partner has no choice but to comply that becomes an order rather than a request and takes us back into the realm of resentment.

Where have you had expectations of another which have not been met? Can you see how you might have contributed to the disappointment you felt?

If you had made a request and that request had been accepted or agreed there would then be an agreement rather than an expectation, which is an entirely different beast.

Learning how to make clear requests, how to negotiate those requests and how to release expectations are probably the easiest things you can do to improve your relationships – in all domains of life.